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How (not) to name a baby

Angry baby

A name is something a child carries with it for the rest of its life unless it happens to have the spare cash laying around to change it, so choosing a good one is probably the cheapest gift a parent can give their offspring.

Drew Magary at GQ has noticed a disturbing American trend of new spellings, random punctuation and names so off the wall, most people wouldn’t give them to a dog, so he decided to provide some friendly parenting advice that will save little Gladyolla or Pear a world of pain.

Do not invent a name. Most inventions fail. Many don’t even make it past the patent stage. What makes you think a name you created out of thin air is gonna stand the test of time? There’s a reason why “Jane” and “David” have hung around for so long. They’re proven. They’ve been workshopped out in the field. That’s not true of Kaydiss. You didn’t even run it past a focus group. You’re putting the responsibility for an entire new product launch on that poor baby’s shoulders… This also goes for any classic name that you deliberately mutilated. No one’s gonna be dazzled that you took Christopher and turned it into Krystougher.

If you give your kid a kooky name, there’d better be a story behind it. “You see, we named her Veniss because she was conceived in a pensione outside Venice. But Tyler’s grandmother just died and her name was Missy and we wanted to honor her memory. And then I thought…Veniss! Plus the name has Macedonian roots, and I’m Macedonian!”

Full story at GQ.

For the sake of the baby.

Photo credit: Fotolia

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